Wow.  When I suggested I would do some googlery regarding the myth of an Atlantian burger with many patties and buns of grilled cheese sammich, I had nooooo idea what I would learn!  Oh, I learned things.

First of all, my buddy Vito did not lie to me.  There is a magical burger in Atlanta.  But he failed to share some key details of the burger experience that are wonderous, such as, the effing burger comes with tater tots.  Whaaat?

The Double Bypass is Real!

That yellow dust is pixie burger magic.   Shut up.

What else did I learn?  How about you have to walk through a giant skull to enter the restaurant where this item is served?  And the name of said restaurant is The Vortex?

There are so many great-sounding things about this restaurant.   The motto:  ‘because it’s never too late to start wasting your life.’  The girls: apparently the girls who work for this establishment are kick-ass, sassy, smart and sexy as hell, tough and independent!  (All adjectives lifted directly from their website!) These Brendas are motorcycle-straddling, brunette Bettie Page babes.

Does it make sense that babes and big burgers go together?  Apparently yes. But these name-taking feminist beauties have some competition from Out West.

Oh yes, there’s apparently a bypass burger binary in effect.  Meet The Heart Attack Grill.

They serve bypass burgers from the Single model all the way up to the 8000 calorie Quadruple.  They have their own dance (and matching song).  Located in the wilds of Arizona, by which I mean Arizona, this spot was founded by a gentleman who takes the medical theme to the extreme: he wears the white doctor’s coat to work and employs scantily-clad Kellies dressed like ‘nurses.’  By which I mean their ensembles could fit in a plastic sandwich bag and look like they came from the Halloween Super Store.

The founder reminds me of Joe Francis but maybe it’s the Dateline/ Geraldo appearances (unlike Francis, he’s married).  One reason for the media coverage was that the restaurant got in a pickle for the naughty nurse routine. Real nurses (licensed by the state) of Arizona were not pleased with the application of their legally granted job titles and the Attorney General got involved.  I don’t know what became of that kerfluffle and can’t be bothered to find out because I’m concerned with something else:

How do those gals not spill meat grease on their bared midriffs or open toes?  How is this not totally beyond a failure of OSHA compliance?  Stripper heels behind the counter?  If you’ve watched your Wendy’s training videos from the 80′s you know something’s amiss.

But…their burgers do look pretty good and the skanks–er–’nurses’ will wheel you to your car in an actual wheelchair after you eat one.  Their motto is ‘Taste worth dying for!’  The Heart Attack Grill rounds out their menu with Jolt cola, fries fried in lard and unfiltered cigarettes.  Folks over 350 lbs eat for free.  I wonder if folks over 350 lbs wearing sexy nurse outfits still eat for free?

I give them 4 patties for thematic commitment.

However, when it comes to actually wanting to go to a place?  I vote Vortex.

Their menu is delicious-looking, beyond the burgers.  Which are delicious-looking.  They have a commitment to creating a ‘lively atmosphere’ that is also an ‘idiot-free zone.’  They don’t tolerate rude behavior!  Get it?  And even though they didn’t have to, they see fit to mention that they welcome a variety of ages, types, sexual orientations and color shades. Plus hot biker chicks?

And tots?

Tots!!

Vortex, I’m so sorry I live nowhere near you.